I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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