fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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