dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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