She went from zero to smokin in five shots
everyone is single if you try hard enough
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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