smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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