actually, I'm a sock model
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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