just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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