Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Dick very happy bro
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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