They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
