Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
