I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
