What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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