Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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