im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
