I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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