Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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