I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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