My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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