im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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