well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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