The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
