mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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