I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
