He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
