I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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