He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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