hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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