She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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