That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
