She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize