is your mom at the bar?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
