we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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