he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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