i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
