if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
