The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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