I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
