so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
