Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize