Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dicks are not precious.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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