i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
