I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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