i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
