I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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