a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize