gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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