It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
