I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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