I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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