he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
