only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
did i just pee glitter
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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