you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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