Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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