she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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