I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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