Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
