So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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