I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
