how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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