Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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