please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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