please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
