I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
