The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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