I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize