i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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