When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
