Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
