I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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